HEARTBRACHE

When it comes to what I can do, intellectually, that is, I have stopped amazing people. They find it too boring since I've practically lived this "strange life" of academic achievements. But when it comes to my romantic life, the mere hint of one can create a splash. And probably a stampede.

Fine. I am not the usual damsel in distress who needs some captain to save me from throwing myself into the sea. I have been accused of being heartless to the extent of being robotic. It's because I keep my head where it should be --- above my heart. But I do get tired of looking after myself and occasionally, I do wish that someone would come into my life and create some kind of insanity in me. Someone who can sweep me off my feet...that kind. It keeps my life from being dull, at least in the eyes of my brothers, parents, uncles, aunties and cousins (alright. in the eyes of my extended family).

It takes a while before I do. But when I fall, meyn, I am in the pits of it all that it takes a whiiiiiiiile before I climb out. As my brother puts it, I've got such high walls around me that when I bring my defenses down and things don't turn out to be as some guy convinced me to believe it will be, it will definitely hurt. I say it is much like squeezing lemons into an open wound that can keep you awake at night. Not just because of the stinging but also because of the pondering... "why the heck did I squeeze these lemons for in the first place?"

Yup. Love for me is like lemons. Cheery yellow, likeable things with the possibility of turning sweet or just sour. Love, like lemons, is naturally sour. The kind that you can get used to if you "coerce" yourself to take it in regular doses. If you want it sweet,the kind that is refreshing, you have to add a little sugar into it. There would be some effort involved. However, too much will turn it into candy. Not everybody likes candy. And if you actually avoid doing anything to them, they rot into bitterness. I do not like taking regular doses of lemon juice. It's not practical. If it were just for the vitamin C, I will take the tablets instead. For this same reason, I do not like falling in love that you get numbed to its sourness. I hope I am making a point here. But anyhow, I like love that is the sweet, refreshing kind much like how I like lemonade. And adding enough sugar, no matter where I have to get the sugar, is fine with me.

Some neuronic function in my brain is trying to fashion some sense to keep me from concluding that love is like a sizeable piece of stone you pick up to hit your head with. I've been through this but it hurts every time. I, too, am lost. How stupid. How lame. How human.