Six degrees of separation makes this world really small. I never really realized this until a few days ago when I fould out you were the schoolmate of a good friend, Love. I felt the value of honesty and not fooling around more than ever. Not having secrets make life less complicated. You're messing your life. And even if I hate seeing you this way, it's a price you have to pay now than later. Think. Ponder. Be really mindful of things you have to figure out that you keep putting off. It's really simpler than what you think.

Got to keep myself busy. It's a long weekend for us. No work on Monday. Got to keep busy. Got to keep busy. I need the "WORK" fairy!

Alam ko na kung sino. Everything fell into place. The author of the May/June Itinerary as reflected in the excel file. The "hindi ka pde matulog sa house nila", the chinita description, the "Learn to drive with a PRO," the description of she being "childish," the "last log in"... At ngayon, limited na ang access sa profile niya. napagsabihan na ba? hahaha Ang sama ko. Ay hindi, ang sama ni ahem. Ang di ko na lang malagay sa puzzle ay kung paano mo dinaanan yung iba mong stuff e mejo malayo ang bahay niya sa airport. O baka naman nakiiwan ka lang kay A na galit sa akin? Hahaha At saka ineng, hindi naman talaga adobo paborito niyan. magaling ka ba magluto ng adobo? tsaka masama sa kanya ang manok. makinig ka sa akin. ate mo ako.

Just for fun, checked if they make a good match. I'm sorry lang but her romantic match is Libra. Kahit na sa lust match, Cancer at hind sign ni ahem. So pano ba yan, 56 days to go for you? Ganito pala magpigil ng feelings. Nakaka-inspire magsulat sa blog araw-araw.

hay. buti na lang hindi ako childish. childlike lang hehehe. I'm probably in the wrong profession. baka dapat spy ako hahahaha. or taga-analyze ng signs. Ang masasabi ko lang, shit ka. paghindi kayo nagkatuluyan at babalikbalik ka sa akin, pahihirapan kita. Gagawin mo lahat ng ginawa ni Cyrus kay Sam Soon.

She asked for my birth date, time and place of birth. Here is what she sent me after.

Your Moon Nakshatra is Revati
Revati means the wealthy.

The symbol of Revati is a fish. Revati is ruled by Mercury, which shows a humane and even course through life will feel appropriate. Communication, playfulness, and fairness will be important to you.

Mythologically, Pushan, the Sun as a nourisher, is the presiding deity here. Pushan is the divine shepherd. He leads the flocks and herds home safely after a long journey. His protective influence presides through these last degrees of the Zodiac, providing shelter for the weary soul wishing to return home or simply rest. Fertility, growth, and generosity of all sorts are the domain of Revati. There are many blessings and rewards here for having stayed the course and completed the journey. Among those blessings are wealth and success in all endeavors. Revati is perhaps the most selfless of all the star groups. A love of animals and helpless creatures of all sorts is also seen here. A mystical mind that appreciates the value of self-sacrifice is pervasive here.

Strengths: You have a highly creative mind and the desire to use it for the good of all. You are protective of others and willing to help those in need. You have good luck in business and all moneymaking pursuits. Your sincere efforts will be rewarded due to good past life merit and generosity in this lifetime. You prioritize connections to family and community.

Shadow issues: You may be self-sacrificial to the point of masochism at times and grow to resent others for it. This painful crisis will undermine your natural desire to give selflessly. Self-destructive behavior through indulgence and escapism is possible. You may be prone to misdirection and wandering if depression and cynicism take hold.

Naaliw ako dito ha.

The Hebrew Talmud says "Be careful if you make a woman cry because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib, not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior than, but from the side to be equal with. Under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved."

I went to my first ever wh-ite party last night after watching bands play at the anniversary party of Meg. It was a very different landscape. There were a lot of gays and swingers. A lot of skin (and some were even flashing "hair" down there). If there were people who were homophobic last night, they would have probably killed themselves before they could even get out of the thick crowd. It was too thick that someone I met there lost his phone (probably while intimately dancing with my good friend). But somehow, I felt safe in their midst. I felt tame, almost like a saint with all the wild kids throwing "come hither" looks and grinding their bodies against each other, some even grabbing each other there and then.

I was amused but felt really lonely. Can I last 60 days?

We both don't know what will happen. But we can only control ourselves. There are gifts God gave us: choice and free will. How we use them make all the difference.

I look forward to the day when i will be able to see him differently. probably, someone so insubstantial, so meaningless, so frail...see him as someone who feeds off girl's admiration in an attempt to make himslef bigger than he actually is. But in the meantime, i will keep to being a woman, a masochist. One who loses all sense of what is reasonable pain for fear of being judged of not being understanding enough. Or just having the pride of not quitting when the going got tough. Continue to believe--that things will change, by staying long enough. Or that I have not done enough.

The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying (read a book that quoted this book)

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am hopeless. It isn't my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I peretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in...it's habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

I wonder how long it will take me to get to stage 4. I keep on shuffling between stages 2 and 3. it's madness and it's exhausting.

Why is it that difficult to move on and forget? In my case, it was just 8 months, officially. Come to think of it, there were both good times and bad that things should even out by now.

"Parang kang yung kuya ko, 6 months na sila hiwalay ng girlfriend niya pero hanggang ngayon laging may depressed...gutom ako tsaka depressed...parang gago."

On my way home, I got to thinking again. Got to talk to myself about why I'm making it hard for myself to let go. Sure there were bad times (late again. cannot be reached. can't go there, I got work to do. ) but I saw them as mere moments. No matter where I was, whatever I was doing, whatever I was praying for, whatever I was planning for, you were part of them all. Every laugh, every talk, every movie, every dinner, every problem shared, every little thing-- I saw all of them as things we would be doing together for the rest of our lives. That's why it is difficult... It was not just 8 months of my life. I lost a lifetime.

"Don't let the lessons you learned from past love rule your future love" or Twenty's favorite "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" are the worst words people can say to me now. You came to me. I did not go to you. I was just standing there. Why did you have to run me over and leave me to die?

I have heard about people like you. You told me you are capable of this. I should have know better. How stupid for me to think I was the exception when I was part of the RULES? Sana may time space warp para makapunta ako sa panahon na hindi na ako nalulungkot, na tanggap ko na na patay na talaga at hindi lang naka-coma. Go to the time when I will no longer hope and just pull the plug to end it all. Euthanasia. Tama kaya 'yun?

It was the end of the month. Had nothing much to do at the office. Magkikita daw kami for lunch. While waiting for 12:30, umiikotikot ako sa SM Megamall. Syempre, napabili ako ng sapatos. Kulang pa ng Php50. Cge, pwede na dn nga ung straps. Salamat sa GC. We met near the ice skating rink sa may bench. Lumabas pa kami papuntang Italianni's. Hehehe. Mejo nalito ako dun a. We had lunch. Masarap ung bottomless lemonade. Concentrate daw un e. Seafood with vegetables siya at angel hair pomodoro sakin. I brought half of the angel hair pomodoro sa office dahil di ko naubos. Binigay ko kay hazel. Masarap daw.

Moving on. My dear from Oman texted me he was going to bring a package to someone sa S-u-mmit. I met him sa may Barrio Fiesta sa 4/f. he was seated sa bench outside holding a red package filled with magazines. andun ung cover si eula. di niya daw type kasi momma na. Bumaba kami sa basement. Naglaro sa WOF ng basketball at crisis alert ba yun. Ung may baril. Masaya pala un. Nakaka-relieve ng stress. tapos, nagkape kami sa starbucks sa taas. Cafe Mocha at cappuccino habang nagbabasa siya ng showbiz magazine at ako, "He's just not that into you." We made a funny pair. Minsanminsan, mag-uusap kami about anything except about us. MOcha-tall=P110. Cappuccino-tall=P95. Moment= priceless. Hanggang ganito na lang ata ako. Pa-moment moment na lang.

Invited him sa Manual anniversary party. Tapos na when he arrived. Nakalabas na nga ako sa venue when he called e. anyway. I know na he is consistently late. Kahit kanino. Kapatid man, kaibigan o ano pa. Is the book helping me? Yes. It's able to help me in passing time.

Kelangan ko na ng bagong computer chair. Sa sobrang bigat ng mga kapatid ko, lumusot na ung pipe sa ilalim so kumakaskas sya sa wooden floor. ang pangit tuloy ng floor. naiinis ako. tapos kanina, iniwan ung massage oil bottle sa floor e di pala sinara ng maayos. kaya ayun kalahati na kasi natapon slowly. nakakainis. tapos ang taas pa ng kuryente namin. e ako naman nagbabayad. bakit pa ba kasi nauso yang RPG na yan? naiinis na talaga ako.

Tapos na ako maglaba ng mga damit ko. Bukas ko na lang lalabhan damit ng kapatid ko. Mga Kapatid pala kasi dalawa sila.Washing machine naman un e. Mabigat kasi e. Sisingilin ko na lang sya ng fee para sa kuryente at effort. Ayoko na maglinis ng bahay. pagod na ako. At hello, di lang naman ako nakatira dito. bakit kelangan lagi ako? may mga hugasan pa sa sink. shet. masakit na kamay ko. hirap maging chimay na walang bayad. mag-isa na naman ako sa bahay. nasa tapat na naman ako ng PC. dapat may sinusulat akong raket pero wala pa ako sa mood. ano ba ito...lagi ko na lang pinu-put off ang pagsusulat nun. siguro kasi di pa ako nakakapagupit. magpakulay kaya ako ng buhok?

heto. kilala niyo ba ito? magkikita kami nito within this week. siguro mamaya. sana di niya binabasa blog ko di ba? makikita nya sarili nya dito. sana singer na lang sya ng isang band. or star sa isang koreanovela. para hanggang dun na lang.

Kamusta na kaya ang mga nasa picture na ito? Miss ko na ung mga days na nanood tayo sa laptop ng Lovers in Paris sa office. Nakatalikod pa PC sa rest of the world un pala nakikita sa reflection sa glass cabinet sa likod. hahaha

Sana, makaalis na ako ng pinas for good. sana makalimutan ko na lahat ng inis at miss na nararamdaman ko ngayon.

If I could ask for a special gift, it would be reading people's minds. It is very difficult to figure out what someone is saying. Should I take it as it is, or does it mean something else? Is it a double-edged sword or just an icepick statement? I really do not like the fact that some people can cause confusion with words not backed with actions or actions that are opposite to what they say. Life is complicated as it is. i see no point why we should make it more complicated by confusing ourselves with decisions that are half-meant. As i've always believed, there is no right or wrong choices. You make a choice and you make it right. Because you can't turn back time, what's done is done.

Gusto ko lang naman maging masaya lahat. Maging mas madali ang life. Bakit ang hirap? Lahat naman tayo may karapatan sa happiness.

I am posting this because i like it very much. Walang pakialamanan. Blogspot ko ito hehehe

People Make Financial Goals, Business Goals, Health Goals… But What Are We Desperately Missing?
By Bo Sanchez

I was like a five-year old boy about to rip open a huge birthday gift. That’s how I felt the eve of January 1.

Why? Before 2005 ended, I sat down and wrote my 2006 Goals in seven areas of my life: (1) Spiritual, (2) Family, (3) Work, (4) Service, (5) Emotional-Physical, (6) Financial, and (7) Intellectual.

It was exhilarating!

I wrote down simple goals like the amount of water I will drink each day (eight to ten glasses), the exercises I will do (muscle toning through chin ups), the profits I will earn through my various micro-businesses (I won’t tell you!), and the expansion of our ministry of sharing God’s love to as many people as possible (we’ll bless millions of people!)

But there was one goal that made my heart leap like a gazelle. I wrote down that in 2006, “I will bond with my eldest son even more.”

Boy, just writing it down here makes me feel powerful and warm and ecstatic all over again.

My son is six years old, and I felt that I should spend more time with him.
So I wrote down under my Family Goals, “Have a weekly date with Bene.”
I then got my calendar and plotted our weekly dates for the entire year — all 52 of them. I also wrote down the possible things we can do together: go to a mall, camp at our backyard, visit an ice cream factory, distribute leaflets house-to-house for his bangus business (Yes, he has a business), or just bike around the village…
Our first date happened in a very unexpected way.
I went home excited, mentally planning our trip to the mall.
As I stepped down of the car, my phone rang.
“Bo, are you already at the wedding?” my friend asked me.
“What wedding?”
“The wedding of Amina…”
Wham. It was like being hit by a bat on the head. I totally forgot about the wedding! How do I explain to Bene?
When I entered the house, I greeted him and said, “I’ve got a problem about our date.…” I told him about the wedding. That was when my wife said, “Son, can you go with Daddy to the wedding? That’ll be your date.” (Thank God for my wise wife.)
In a few minutes, my son and I were riding the car in our matching barong tagalogs. It turned out that we were early for the wedding, so we walked to a coffee shop beside the church, and talked and laughed together as he ate his favorite cinnamon roll.
The wedding was superb! It was also a wonderful time for me to give mini-lectures to my little pupil — in whispers at the back pew — on marriage, family, state of life and love.
After the wedding, the reception was at the exclusive Polo Club.
While waiting for the dinner to begin, we had a phenomenal time sitting down on the grass (yes, still in our barongs) under the canopy of stars — and chatted the night away.
“I don’t want to be a cowboy anymore, Daddy,” he said.
“No more?” This was a shock to me. It had been his declared dream ever since he was two. In fact, his first word wasn’t “mama.” It was “horse.” (I’m not kidding.)
He piped up, “I don’t want to be a cowboy anymore. I just want to ride horses for pleasure.”
“Okay. What do you want to be?”
“A businessman.” (Six-year-old kids have a way of declaring their dreams as if they’re as sure as the planet is round. I wonder what age do we lose that confidence?)
“That’s great. You can own a ranch. How many horses do you want to own?”
“About ten,” he grinned.
“How will you earn to maintain the ranch?” I asked. “
"Kids can ride my horses for P20 each…”
“Uh… isn’t that a bit too cheap?”
“They can also feed my rabbits if they pay something. And I’ll sell my customers snacks and have a restaurant in my ranch.”
“That’s fantastic.”
“My ranch will also have an imaginary forest.”
“A what?”
“An imaginary forest. Parents will be afraid if their kids go to a real forest with real animals. So I’ll make an imaginary forest with robotic animals — even some legendary creatures like dinosaurs, unicorns, mermaids,...”
“Mermaids?”
“Yes, because there’ll be a lake in my ranch. With a shipwreck. Kids can also visit the shipwreck.”
After planning for his future, we got our plates and stood in front of the buffet table for the entire evening. Because the food was so fabulous, we didn’t bother to sit down. That night, he ate seven sticks of barbecue and I gobbled up 50% of the European cheeses there. (Sorry, Amina and Rafael. But I loved your wedding. Please invite us again for your tenth anniversary.)
In other words, my first date with Bene for 2006 was a ball.
If I didn’t have a weekly date with him, how would I know about his dreams? I would have missed hearing that he didn’t want to be a cowboy anymore, that he wanted an imaginary forest, robotic animals, a lake and a shipwreck for kids to visit and have fun…
I was even more convinced about my family goals when I read the frightening statistics from David Perdew about “fatherless kids.” According to statistics, children from a fatherless home are:
* Five times more likely to commit suicide.
* Thirty-two times more likely to run away.
* Twenty times more likely to have behavioral disorders.
* Fourteen times more likely to commit rape (this applies to boys).
* Nine times more likely to drop out of high school.
* Ten times more likely to abuse chemical substances.
* Nine times more likely to end up in a charitable institution.
* Twenty times more likely to end up in prison for a long period of time.

Fathers, your kids need you.
David Perdew says we either pay now or pay later.
And when you pay later, it always costs more.

I suggest you pay now.

Have a fantastic 2006 — especially with your family.

dear ka darna

ayaw mag attach........too big daw. nge.........ok, ill just leave it sa cswcd guard............



dear ka darna

eto ng chop chop volume 1..........i chopped them into 5 pieces because every time i saved them on my computer as the huge file joey sent, the computer would hang! grrrrrrrrrrrrr. ilan beses ko inulit ulit ito..........so you could imagine my frustration...................dont worry, nothing compared to the frustration with our ka MSG na si karla with her ex mwahahahaha

so do you have a print out of vol 1 from joey? i left them with cswcd guard in cse you need them.

anyway, i am sending you my one two three notes which comes with these attachments

please text me that you received these files intact.

blistering sunshine and sunflowers on university ave,
dazzle

I recently watched this film sa HBO (hindi naman lang Kim Sam Soon at Jewel in the Palace ang pinapanood ko). Hindi ko alam kung ano ung title kasi diko naman nasimulan. pero natandaan ko ung sinabi ng bartender na there are three kinds of love: Love, Big Love and Great Love.

Love you get over in two months. Big Love you get over in two years. And Great Love...well, one never gets over it. When great love is rejected, something inside you dies that you have to run away and meet the persont you will love the second most. You just move on to the next best thing.

One of my most wanted gifts is a planner. Something big enough to write what I wanted to do on a date yet small enough to fit in a small bag.

Bakit ko nga ba gustong isulat itong tungkol sa planner? Nakalimutan ko na. ewan. wala lang.

The alarm goes off. "Swaying room as the music starts" sans the lyrics. It is 5:00 am. Most of Boracay island is still asleep. I went to the toilet to gargle, wash my face and fix my hair. I hurriedly gathered my things. Of Ricky and Emilio, the latter obliged to get up and lock the door behind me. I went to the beach. I didn't see any boat that looked like it was waiting for a passenger so I asked the guard on duty. He said he'll just call me via intercom when he sees the Fairways boat. Great. Now I have to wake up someone to let me in. The wind was freezing.

At 5:42, I walked to the beach again. Still no sign of the boat. I was already worried. The receptionist arrived at 6 am(with two other people who worked at Heaven resto). The phone rings. It was from Malay mainland's Fairways office. The person informs the woman who also told me that the boat is on its way. I went to order breakfast at the resto. Then two men came and said I was to be brought to station 1 where the boat would be. No breakfast then.

Station 1: There were many people waiting to be boarded across. The Fairways bunch had a little verbal "bout" (who wanted to charter a boat just for 3 guests including me) with the person calling the shots. So anyway, we (with 2 men who apparently were on the same first flight out) left the island at 6:20, an hour before the flight.

Anyhow, was able to fly out of Malay island and landed at 8:20 in Metro Manila. I tried calling to check if I could still go to his house before he leaves for the airport. A few unanswered calls and the phone was turned off. I wonder.

I took a cab to the International Airport. "Wait for me at the canteen. I will see you there at 10:30" was the last thing we agreed upon. I waited for two freaking hours. I discovered before 11 am that he was using his sun sim. I force myself to think that he probably talked with his parentsn so he had to change his sim. Finally a text came "Call me" so I did. To cut the "waiting part" short, I accompanied him to the OFW pre-check in center. While he was having his papers signed or something, I checked the flights. His plane's counter was already open for checking in luggage. On a side note, the guard was a bit rude.

anyway, i instructed him to check in his luggage so we can go to the canteen without them. i again waited. he later sent a text that he had 5 kilos excess so he was going to wait for his companions. so he went out. we went to the canteen (where food is expensive) He had adobo and rice. "Mag-smuggle ka nito" he says with a wry smile. I'm beginning to be very sad. But i didn't want to cry. His travel companions called him on the phone. He gave them instructions on the Pre-Check In thing.

when he was done, i sat beside him. He hugged me and said "i will miss you" Syet. Umiyak na talaga ako. Pero konti lang nakakahiya eh. I was hugging him in public. I told myself "galit na din ako sa gobyerno. dahil sa hirap ng buhay, kailangang niya tuloy umalis." In a few hours, he will be $1200 dollars away (I was texting my travel agent for a quote while I was waiting for him)

Then he reads a text and tells me he has to go and check in his stuff but promises to come back. Sure. For a long time, I will not be able to wait for him like I always do ---made me appreciate those days and nights when he would make me wait, being always at least an hour late. at least noon, alam ko na darating siya in a few hours. So I walk to and from the opposite ends, went to the comfort room to keep the guard off my back (i believe these guards really don't know how it feels to have someone dear to them leave for another country). i informed him that he asks his companions to bring his handcarry luggage with them so it will be more convenient for him later. finally, he came out.Super naiiyak na talaga ako.

I held his hand. A few seconds he slipped it off, placed it on my shoulder, and pulled me closer. A few steps later, he hugged me and i hugged him back. Ang hirap pala talaga. It's now the 13th of feb (it took me this long to write this whole story) and still naluluha ako. I said that i better leave so he can go to the boarding area. I saw a taxi and he opened the door for me. Promise ang lungkot. Parang movie na nagso-slow mo.

I looked back and waited until he was out of sight. Para talagang movie. The only difference is in movies, a few seconds later, "14 months later" will flash on your screen. In real life, 14 months is 14 months not just seconds.

Sabi ni Hazel, wag ako malungkot kasi naimbento ang airoplane not just to fly people to another place but also to bring them back. Sabi ni verl, saktong sakto sakin ang kanta ng orange and lemons na "hanggang kailan." I cannot help but agree with them. Sana makaipon ako ng $1200 para masundan kita. Kahit isang buwan man lang.

Miss na kita. Nasaan ka man.

I didn't know what music was playing. I didn't mind that someone related to you was "eaves-watching." It felt good to be there. The cheesier part is that if you were Richard Gere, I would gladly choose to be Susan Sarandon than J-Lo.

I was dreaming although now I could not remember what it was. But it was the smell of Eskinol for Men that woke me up. It was still a part of the dream, probably. But at least for a moment I was able to see you before you vanished for the day.

"You're still friends with him?"Some people never seem to understand why after everything I've been through, I still can call him a friend. Someone even went as far as asking me what kind of friends are we, to which i replied "special", being the only word I think is most acceptable or recognizable in the world of relationships.

We have tried to define what we have. Many attempts of trying to determine at which point are we really in. It is difficult, specially for me. I have always disliked gray areas but we are in one. I do not really like being here nor do I hate it. It's just where we are. We still hang out --- his place and mine. But we don't go out on dates. It's confusing, I know but I am fine with it. And I guess he is, too. I do not have the luxury of time to conduct some kind of experiment to conclude how he really feels for he is leaving soon. Only then can time and distance work their ways on what we have.

Sometimes, I think that maybe we shouldn't even define what we are. Maybe it's more fulfilling to just go with te flow of how this "relationship" is going; to enjoy the moments of intimacy and the moments of uncertainty because they are part of any relationship, vague or not, that should only be defined by the two of us. My point is sometimes two people who are affectionate and who care enough for one another don't know what they are exactly. So why should other people know?